World Cup fever is upon us. The H191/2010 strain of influenza was yesterday confirmed as officially being a pandemic. Experts have already pinpointed The Capetown International Convention Centre as being the exact location from which the virus first spread.
Although the disease began only last Friday, The British Government has been quick to appoint an executive body of doctors and specialists to advise it. Dr Alan Hansen will be helping the Government answer the crucial question – how can the country defend itself against the disease? Whilst Dr Andy Townshend has been appointed for his endless enthusiasm. Dr Glenn Hoddle has been recruited for his knowledge of the spiritual world and Dr Ian Wright is on board due to his extensive knowledge of news and current world affairs which he has acquired from Melinda Messenger whilst presenting Live From Studio Five.
A list of symptoms has already been compiled and can be observed in most individuals currently suffering from the virus. They include:
- A sense of heightened giddiness.
- Massively-increased levels of optimism.
- A complete lack of self-control.
- Verbal diarrhoea.
Since the outbreak of H191/2010, rumours have been circulating around Westminster, that two of the three main Parties could attempt to use the virus to their advantage in the run up to next year’s General Election.
Gordon Brown is the only one of the three leaders to have caught the bug so far, apparently the Labour Leader is so optimistic that England can win the World Cup that he is doing all he can to stall the Election, until after the tournament has finished. He firmly believes that the nation will look kindly upon him at the ballot for being the only Prime Minister to have overseen a World Cup win in over fourty years. Apparently Brown is not at all worried about his Scottish nationality hindering him from reaping the benefits of an England win, as he firmly believes that because he wasn’t actually voted-in to be PM, the fact that he is Scottish has somehow slipped under every Engishman’s radar.
As for David Cameron, he is immune from the virus. The Conservative leader was innoculated against poverty at birth which rules him out of contracting H191/2010 as it is a bug which can be spread only between those with a shaved head, those that earn less than £15,ooo a year, and those who follow a round white ball around a rectangular green pitch as if it is a matter of life and death.
Nick Clegg meanwhile has been personally buoyed by the spread of World Cup Fever. He now believes that if it is possible for people to believe England really can win the World Cup, then it should be possible to make the nation believe that the Liberal Democrats can win at the next General Election. Clegg is working around the clock trying to put together a team of scientists who could formulate and produce a new strain of the virus which could then be introduced to the country’s water stream. So far however, he has been met with disapproval and rejection by the scientific community who are currently being subsidised to find ground-breaking cures for terminal illnesses; they publicly embarassed the Party leader earlier today by declaring their belief that a cure for cancer is now only 74 years away, which makes the pursuit of it A) more likely to bear fruit and B) better funded.
The Government have issued critical advice to all those who think they may be suffering from H191/2010. A hotline has been set up and is ready to answer any question you may have. If you or a loved is seriously ill, then dial emergency 999 and quote – “I THINK LAMPARD IS FIT!!!!!!!” this will take you straight through to a local on-call doctor who will be able to see you. This comes with a word of caution however, the Government are urging everybody taking this course of action to please ensure you say “..LAMPARD IS FIT” – a warning which comes just two days after an elderly woman was sectioned under the Mental Health Act for calling 999 and screaming “I THINK ROONEY IS FIT!!!!!!!”.
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(P.S not all of this post is based on factual content, and all views/lies/statements do not wholly reflect the opinions of FootballShorts)
By Ross A. Fox